Using violence

This page provides information for people who are concerned about their behaviour or use of violence
1800RESPECT supports people who are experiencing domestic, family and sexual violence. 1800RESPECT also support friends, family, and professionals with advice and information for people affected by violence
If you are worried about using violence, there are services listed on this page that can offer support
Using violence in a relationship is a choice. It takes strength and courage to take responsibility for your actions. This is the first step to getting help.

Violent behaviour: you have a choice

We all make choices about how we act.

Some people may only use violence in certain relationships. For example, they may use violence with their partner but not with colleagues or neighbours. You may notice you can control your behaviour and emotions better in different situations, which shows that change is possible.

People who use violence may also try to avoid taking responsibility or make excuses for their actions, such as:

Saying the other person deserved it
Claiming they were provoked
Blaming alcohol or drugs

Making excuses can stop you from taking responsibility and changing your behaviour. Taking responsibility is the first step toward healthy and safe relationships.

If you think your family is afraid of you, or if people tell you that your behaviour is scary, it’s important to think about ways you can change, including seeking support. Change is possible. It takes courage and determination.

Violence is not just physical

Domestic and family violence is not just physical violence. You may do other things that make people feel scared. This can include:

Controlling behaviour – limiting where they go, who they see, or their access to money. This can be considered coercive control, a pattern of behaviour used to dominate, control and isolate someone
Threatening behaviour – saying you will take the children, kick your partner out, or report them to the police
Harassing or stalking – using social media to harass them, constantly texting, calling, or tracking them
Verbal abuse – yelling or swearing at them in private or in front of others
Emotional/psychological abuse – making them feel like it’s their fault, playing mind games, gaslighting, and giving them the silent treatment
Financial abuse – limiting their access to money or taking their money away from them.

There is no excuse for violence. No one deserves to feel scared. You can learn to understand your emotions so you can take control and choose to respond differently before your behaviour hurts others.

You can take a respectful time-out by communicating your intention to pause the conversation and return to talk at an agreed time.

Change is hard to do alone. Having someone support you can make it easier.

Support services

Support is available for anyone to help change their behaviour. Specialist support services can teach you new ways to relate to your family and loved ones.

Men's Referral Service

The Men’s Referral Service is the national counselling, information and referral service for men looking to change their behaviour. If you are concerned about your own or someone else’s behaviour, call 1300 766 491. You can also access the National Directory of Services for people who use violence at Men’s Referral Service | Find Services.

MensLine

MensLine Australia is a free telephone and online counselling service offering support for Australian men anywhere, anytime. Call 1300 78 99 78 or visit their website for support. Mensline offers two programs focusing on behaviour change and violence prevention. Visit the MensLine website for more information.

Brother to Brother

Brother to Brother is a 24/7 crisis phone support service for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander men, staffed by Aboriginal men and elders. It offers culturally safe support to talk through relationship issues, including family concerns. Access to Brother to Brother’s behaviour change programs is also available.

Lifeline

Lifeline is a national charity providing all Australians experiencing emotional distress with access to 24-hour crisis support. Lifeline offers a free self-led program that helps men reflect on their relationships and make positive changes to their behaviour.

Say It Out Loud

Say It Out Loud supports LGBTQIA+ communities to have healthy relationships, get help for unhealthy relationships and support their friends. They provide information and links to LGBTQIA+ specialist services, including programs for people who use violence.

Transfemme

Transfemme has been created by the Zoe Belle Gender Collective with input from trans women and with cis men who have experience dating or being in relationships with trans women. The website contains stories, tips and resources to support healthier relationships between trans women and men.

The services listed above are available to support people who are using violence and want to change their behaviour.

If you or someone you know is experiencing violence, you can contact 1800RESPECT for support. Call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, text 0458 737 732 or visit our website for online chat and video call services - available 24/7.

Related information

Psychological abuse

Psychological abuse is behaviour that aims to cause emotional or mental harm. It may not hurt your body, but can be just as painful and distressing.

Financial abuse

Financial abuse involves someone using money in ways to hurt you, like forcing you to get loans you don't want. It is a form of domestic or family violence and it is not OK.

Physical abuse

Physical abuse happens when someone deliberately hurts your body, or takes away your control of your body. Physical abuse can be a form of domestic and family violence.